| Director | Cliff Owen |
|---|---|
| Budget | £100,000 |
| Box office | £500,000 |
Harold and Albert leave the divorce court, and while on the road home they discuss Harold's failed marriage, beginning the flashback to about four years ago.
During a stag do at a local football club, Harold meets one of the acts, a stripper called Zita. After a whirlwind romance, the couple are married, although the actual wedding ceremony is delayed when Albert, acting as best man, loses the ring somewhere in the yard. They eventually find it in a pile of horse manure, and since they have no time to clean up, the smell of the manure on their clothes has noses twitching in church.
Harold and Zita fly to Spain for their honeymoon, but Albert refuses to be left behind. His constant presence begins to drive a wedge between Harold and Zita. When they are finally alone and begin to consummate their marriage, they are interrupted by Albert's cries of distress from the adjoining room, and discover that he has contracted food poisoning from some of the local cuisine.
The only available flight back home at short notice has only two seats, and Harold feels obliged to fly home with Albert, leaving Zita in Spain to follow as soon as possible. Back home, Albert quickly recovers, while Harold frets over Zita not writing. When he finally receives delayed postcards and a letter from her, she tells him she has decided their marriage cannot work and has taken up with a British holiday rep at the hotel where they were staying. Harold is heartbroken, and, despite his earlier scheming to get rid of Zita, Albert is sympathetic.
Some months later, Harold tracks down Zita and finds that she is pregnant, and when he assumes he is the father she does not disabuse him. Harold offers to take care of them both and persuades Zita to go with him, but on returning home Albert makes it clear that he does not like her and she flees. A short while later, the two men find a baby in the horse's stable. Harold assumes that the child is Zita's, and, with Albert's help, takes on its rearing. On the way to the christening, they argue over what name to give the baby, with Albert insisting he be named Albert Winston (after himself and former UK prime minister Winston Churchill), while Harold rebuffs this, suggesting Old English names, but he struggles to decide, so he requests it be named after the vicar. Unbeknownst to Harold, the vicar's name is Albert. As such, Harold names him Albert Jeremy, but always refers to him as Jeremy.
Returning from work one day, Harold finds the baby has been taken from his pram while Albert was asleep. An unsigned note left in the pram convinces Harold it is from Zita wanting the child back. Searching for her, Harold comes across her stripping in a local rugby club where she is grabbed by some of the rugby players. Attempting to save her, Harold is beaten up by the rugby players and is only rescued when Zita and her musician save him by taking him into her dressing room. Harold hears a baby's cries but, when he pulls back a curtain, he finds a mixed-race baby. It turns out that Zita and her musician, who is black, are a couple. Harold then realises that "Jeremy" was not Zita's baby and was not his child.
The flashback ends and again shows Harold and Albert riding home in their horse and cart. Harold laments that he "must be the only bloke who lost two kids in one day". They then both give V sign to a Rolls-Royce honking behind them, and after the car passes it is revealed that the passenger is a royal high-ranking naval officer, implied to be Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (who gives them the V sign in return). The credits roll as they ride on The Mall.